The post that gets me arrested

So I really didn't have a chance to talk much about our Vegas trip. It was whirlwind, but that's exactly how Vegas should be done. Get in, go hard, get out.

And really, nothing says "crazy Vegas trip" like a breast pump.

My pump and I, we had some good times in Sin City. We spent some good, quality time together every four hours. I feel like we connected on a special level.

But it was almost thwarted at the airport.

I put the pump through in its "discreet black carrying bag" along with my carry-on luggage. The luggage passes with flying colors. Then, of course, the conveyor stops and the technician stares intently at her screen.

She backs it up and moves it forward. She calls in reinforcements. There is pointing and consternation on their faces. The line of people is staring at me. And then I get the call.

"Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to step over here."

I fall prostrate on the floor, weeping and begging for mercy.

OK, not really. Instead I rolled my eyes and announced, "It's a BREASTPUMP" just loud enough for the entire security area to hear. (Nice man behind me at Midway Airport on July 4 -- HI! Sorry to embarrass you. You are now free to roam about the country.)

I read on the Internets that George Bush was actually looking for breast pumps in Iraq. Little-known fact. You can see why security is so tight on these things.

So the guard takes the entire bag apart and then proceeds to run the explosive-detection pads over the bag. I snorted, and badly wanted to say, "The only thing exploding with that thing is the size of my boobs," but alas, airport security is no laughing matter.

And who wants to spend their Vegas trip in the pokey?

After it was confirmed I had not been cleaning my rifle near the breast pump, they re-ran the disassembled bag and its contents through the machine again.

Clearly, the breast pump as terror device makes sense. I believe it was originally the breast pump, and not the shoe bomb, that Richard Reid was going to use to bring down his flight. I can see Osama giving the directives on this himself.

"Now, I want you to get the Pump In Style - Advanced. The Original would raise too much suspicion. Then, I want you to take it on the plane. Make sure you bring plenty of milk storage bags and bottles, so as not to make anyone think twice. Oh, and Richard? You'll need to actually suction your nipples with it for it to be believable. If you love Allah, you'll do it buddy."

You can see why he went the "plastic explosive in the shoe" route now.