Chip off the old block

So "they" tell you when you are redoing your kitchen that granite countertops can't be scratched. In fact, the only thing that can scratch granite is a diamond.

"They" neglected to tell you that when you drop a ceramic ramekin from a great height -- one that necessitates a ladder to reach -- and it falls and smashes into your brand-new granite countertop that it will, indeed, chip the shit out of it.

It will also send large and small pieces of ceramic ramekin flying everywhere in your kitchen, including onto the top of your foot. Where it will cut the top of a huge vein, causing blood to spurt uncontrollably.

This, while your baby is contentedly playing on the rug in the next room.

Until you are done cleaning up the mess -- which, by the way, was partly the child's fault because you were getting a dish to make HIM some oatmeal -- at which time you come into the living room to find him gone.

As in, not where you left him. And you are home alone with the child, so no one could have possibly moved him.

You may briefly think, "Oh my God, someone kidnapped the baby." And your heart will stop beating for a nanosecond until you can process the thought that the alarm is on and you did not hear the door chime beep and come on, the baby can't just walk out unannounced to run down to the corner store.

You will then look wildly around the room until your ears prick up at the sound of a babble, and you look in the direction of the noise to see the child lying on the hardwood floor, next to the bookshelf, FOUR FEET FROM WHERE YOU LEFT HIM, talking to the recessed lighting in the ceiling.

And the sad part is, you don't know if you are more upset by the chip in your counter or the fact your child is now mobile and you must babyproof the house.